For five months this page has been blank. Today is May 23, 2008 and I have begun to upload some old artwork.
Please understand that I am not a serious artist. I have never been trained in art or gone to art school. I don’t take these drawings seriously and neither should anyone else. These are scans slightly altered from the originals. I am not going to watermark them because I doubt anyone would bother to take this stuff.
These images I made when I was undoubtedly mentally ill. Most of the images on this page were made between 1993 and 1995. I was about as bipolar and schizophrenic as I ever was. In retrospect and analysis you will see a common theme to my drawings. A safe, secure fortified structure in a hard to reach, rugged, isolated and sometimes beautiful place. I was 20 years old and in my heart I longed for a quiet place, well defended, far from others and I dreamed endlessly, fantasized constantly about it.
Castle, bridge and mountain
The medium for many of these sketches is a 3inch x 5 inch blue lined memo pad. My favorite implement is a medium ball point pen, black or blue. Really, I am not that sophisticated or bleeding edge. I kept a small memo pad with me where ever I went for a few years. I had the idea of making enchanted windows, portals to the places that I rendered. If you stare at them too long you might go to those places.
Cliff wall pass to the City
It is hard to come up with catchy captions or titles. I had no pretensions of Picasso when I did this stuff. I made these drawings for the sheer pleasure of making my mental images real.
Cottage at Newbury Lake
The occasional purplish smear-stain on some of the images is unfortunately spilled wax from a black candle. Any other stains likely to be coffee.
Tree at the side of a brook
Here is a series of castle sketches in different environments.
Castle at the mountainside
Castle, cemetary and barren trees
Island castle, high tide and palm trees
Please excuse the scibblings that show through the image from doodling on the back side like an idiot.
Remote castle, perilous road
This next image, along with many others here was inspired both by the writings of fantasy author Roger Zelazney as well as artwork seen in the card game Magic the Gathering
Under a strangely stippled sky
A window into a Strange World
This next sketch is my old room in the Hell House.
This is the room my parents forced me to stay in for months. They effectively banished me as a result of the investigation into our home over allegations of child abuse. I was not allowed to speak to anyone or come out except for school and the bathroom. As cells go, it was luxurious.
Please note, at age 13 I already had what I wanted, isolation, a bed, a desk a bookcase with books and a chair to read them in. All I did was read, meditate, listen to music and do a lot of thinking about life in this room all by myself for months.
This was my bedroom in my grandparents house. On that bed I performed my first albeit poorly planned overdose.
Depressing I know.
…
Your website and your YouTube videos make me very happy. not manic. Happy and hopeful.
and i also say to myself, “oy, what a huge amount of work”.
thank you for your website and sharing your experience.
By: Sophie Walker on May 18, 2008
at 12:09 am
I liked looking at your art. You do have talent! I especially liked the Castle, Bridge, and Mountain. I would like to buy a copy of it later when I have more money, if that would be possible.
I felt sad to read, “I am not going to watermark them because I doubt anyone would bother to take this stuff.” I don’t think you are giving yourself enough credit.
I have a friend who was just put into the “Behavior” part of our hospital. I think the two of you are similar. She’s very psychic. They’ve put her on some horrible meds. I’m hoping that I can help her later on. I’m trying to learn about different alternative types of healing.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. I am grateful I ran across them.
Bonnie
By: Bonnie on June 12, 2008
at 10:32 am
Hello Bonnie,
Thank you so much for your feedback. I am taken by surprise actually by your comment. You are more than welcome to purchase any of these any time. I would not even know what to charge. It never occurred to me.
I am very tempted to see if I still have it. I have not tried to draw for purpose or pleasure in years. I was so preoccupied with self healing and being outdoors that doodling was the furthest thing from my mind for a long time. I found these pics going through storage boxes.
In truth it feels like a muscle, long unused but I am guessing it still works.
About the watermark. I guess I just would have felt full of myself as opposed to not giving myself credit. Until May, no human other than my brother have seen any of these. I did not know whether they sucked bad and people were going to laugh at me for calling this art.
If I lack the self esteem issues of the past I may have an inflated self esteem from time to time so I try to be self effacing whenever I can just to level.
Anyway, feel free to contact me about it whenever. My email is on my Home page.
As for your friend. I am very sorry to hear of it. It breaks my heart. About the worst thing you can do to a naturally sensitive, aware, intuitive or psychic person is destroy that sensitivity through those horrible meds. If I think about her languishing in a ward doped on brain killers I will cry right where I sit.
I surely hope you can help your friend and that she is able to find peace within.
By: Jane on June 12, 2008
at 12:54 pm
Intresting artworks, intresting context… :I
I have bipolar disorder too – I’m graphic from Poland – this is my website with my artworks: http://www.ratz.pl. Bipolar is amazingly stimulate creativity don’t You think?:) It’s one positive aspect of bipolar…
Your blog – it’s a great thing!
greetings:)
By: ratz on June 12, 2008
at 2:57 pm
hello ratz! thanks for your feedback and for stopping by.
to be honest bipolar has nothing to do with my creativity. My artistic inclination is a gift of my mother’s genes.
I was artistic before I was Dxd. I was artistic while I was most seriously ill. Yet long after I healed from the symptoms of bipolar, my creativity remains.
I cant see it as a aspect of bipolar positive or otherwise, being creative was just me, being bipolar was a trap I got caught up in as a teenager when I had some problems.
i dont have bipolar anymore, but the art bug is still there, kinda proof they have nothing to do with each other except in the minds of people with BP
By: Jane on June 13, 2008
at 9:21 am
Hi Jane, today I had a moment like you. I decided to google bi-polar disease! wow..is putting it mildly. You are my first inquiry. I read your intro and saw your art. That is all right now, I wanted to contact you.
My story is like yours. I healed myself too. Truth be told, I never believed them when they said I had it. I was 20.
I will write you again. We can talk that would be great. I don’t even know where you live yet.
I love in California.
You are so charming in your born again world.
signed,
D
By: Deborah on July 9, 2008
at 6:44 pm
Thanks for your comment,
How exciting! I would love to hear your recovery story Deborah! You can post it here or email me as you see fit, my contact info is on my Home page
Fantastic and well done! Welcome to the club! Bipolar Disorder Recovery is so avant garde in mental health circles, it’s like being a pioneer or a heretic, either will do eh? :)
You are a trailblazer Deborah, I sure hope to hear from you and I sure hope you blog or vlog
By: Jane on July 9, 2008
at 9:04 pm
i like the deep cleansing you did of your mind its the only way to save yourself get right down to the negativity it has no place in our soul its an alien presence that takes from you but doesnt give its abuse as human being we have a right to a life free from b ullying whereever that bullying comes from in our heads or externally you have to be brave because the enemy is inside your mind .to defeat that alien presence thats a great achievement jane you have given me strength the fight goes on until i get left alone by abusers i want peace and i want to help people and have some fun no apologies to abusers lets get them out
By: elijah traven on August 11, 2008
at 6:10 am
I am very happy to hear that this helped you Elijah.
I wish you all the best on your healing journey.
By: Jane on August 11, 2008
at 7:53 am
Hi Jane, I´m a finnish artist and I have diagnosed as bipolar. For about a year now I have felt that I can handle this, its not a mystery, its about listening your self and being absolutely honest what you think/do/feel. Its about teaching your body reacting different and be absolutely mercyfull my self (hope you understand what I mean).
Last autumn I was in a bipolar group and I was suprised how depressed and moaning they all were. My last real depression was 10 years ago and now days I can feel when Im too “fast” so I can calm my self. And its not happening very often anymore.
Underneath Im almost calm all the time. I dont mix real, deep feelings and daily moods anymore. I have moods (cause Im extremely sensitive) but they are not bosses anymore, I let them go. And still I do better art than ever. Im not trying, I just do and its just me, nothing special. What a relief.
My opinion about Dr. Kay is that she never realised to give up and tried to heal, she doesnt change her lifestyle or her thinking. I felt her book quite dark. I dont know if she is different now days, I just read the first book (in finnish).
What you say in a bullshit video was what I have felt for a while, I just couldnt put it on words.
I dont like to write in foreign lanquge because my native lanquage is my tool, lover and child among visual images. In english I loose most of my colors when speaking, reading or writing, I cant feel undertone.
But this was somehing I had to do. There is something real in this and Im gonna do something about it or from it. Not sure what, but something.
Damned, learn finnish ;-)
By: Petri on August 11, 2008
at 11:20 am
I enjoyed your comment Petri I and think I understood you just fine. I know what you mean about communicating in another language.
Glad to hear you have your personality under such control and that you have seen through the trap of the label of bipolar.
I have moods too and I grateful for it. It makes me feel alive and participating.
It really is about being sensitive and honest to yourself and knowing your own limits intimately.
Congratulations on your stability and for overcoming this dreadful incurable terminal disease.
:)
By: Jane on August 11, 2008
at 10:48 pm
good to know u too can sketch, i too can make sketch portrait well,i hadnt practised it,butfrm very
age 4 i without any practise was very good in sketch,no one in our home can draw good art wrk.
infact i dont make portrait, or practise it,but wen ever i draw , some small sketches in paper i do it well.
this to tell u J that i feel we share many ,many things, in common.
about meditation,spirituality yurz talks are very nano precise,nano relevant for this time,and for evergreen also.
also yurz explanation,making it so simple as abcde alphabet, and “”"”"”"”"”"sooooooooooooooooooo”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”
practical . who ever lucky ones understands
you,is like he finds a needle in a wild amzons bush [ for novices also]. very very excellency wrk .
By: neel on August 16, 2008
at 4:52 pm
thank you Neil for finding my blog and taking the time to comment. We do have several things in common and I am glad to know of your sketch talent.
I very much appreciate your feedback. Take care for now Neil.
By: Jane on August 18, 2008
at 9:49 am