I recently had the pleasure to see a video of the amazing and productive activist and advocate, Pat Deegan on youtube (thanks Gianna) and what I’d like to do is point out a few observations about her presentation.

So at 1:40 or so she mentions freaking out during lectures and taping the lecture and listening to it at home in her own space. That is a brilliant work around on the retention end. Knowing your limits and coping with it.

Then around 2:00 in she says it was like lifting weights growing the skills needed to sit still in class and learn despite the voices and so on. Kind of like in meditation too, you have to grow an ability to sit still amongst the noise and distractions of your inner world. You build up strength to do it.

Further along she talks about several hospitalizations occurring during her education.

Around 2:40 she says, “as I get older I guess I just learned to accept myself”

Immediately you think yeah! woot! That resonates with me! That’s how it goes! You nod your head and think you are on the same page. Great stuff.

Then she says at 2:47 “I hear voices there is just no getting around it”

Then all that empathy I had built up from her previous statement is suspended in air without nothing underneath it and I realize we are not really on the same page.

She comes back with, ” I can’t take big crowds or I get explosively angry”

I am back! I totally so totally lived that! She is talking about me and she is so refreshingly honest.

Then “I have unresolved trauma issues I have been in a bazillion hours of therapy”

I’ve been there…

then ‘It’s not schizophrenia, it’s not a symptom”

Once again I am back in her corner, yea girl you tell em, you aint no product of the DSM, you think to yourself, Pat’s brave to say such a thing in the face of modern psychiatry. She is already breaking the rules and risking her reputation and she’s almost anti-pysch by way of throwing off and disowning the label. All good stuff! Positively out of the box.

Then, ” I have come to the conclusion that it’s just me. That’s how God made me. That’s just how I am”

I beg pardon? She’s lost me again. No way that’s how God made you. I have said before but that attitude is useless to a person bent on recovery. I said that beliefs like that have to go in my 12 steps to bipolar recovery video and blog post. I said it again just recently about the Dark Night of the Soul.

“Then I learned to embrace it and stop trying to change myself”

I took that as, I learned to accept the the symptoms and quit trying to get rid of them.

Based on the statements she says afterward she could be speaking in the broader sense of changing herself to fit some social norms, expectations and pressures.

I agree, be yourself and don’t let society mold you, accept yourself and embrace yourself.

But I get the distinct feeling that by reframing her issues (voices, agitation, explosive anger) as just being the way God made her and accepting it, she is really no longer working on them.

She confirms this at 4:47 with But I am not going to be able to make it go away and why even try? It’s just me

Bingo, that is misidentification of self.

This is who I am she says.

“I am not going to be able to make it go away.” she says.

Who told you that Pat? Have you tried everything? Therapy and psyche meds did not get rid of my traumas or voices either but I did not stop there.

“It’s just me” she says.

Well Buddha would have something to say about that and I do to.

In no way do I mean to minimize or denigrate Pat Deegan’s accomplishment of getting a PhD. It’s amazing is what it is. It certainly goes a long way in showing what someone with mental illness can do. It’s inspiring. Her insights into the people on the other side of the fence in mental health is classic. Finding out the PhDs had plenty of problems of their own. Wonderful stuff. There is no doubt we need more Pat Deegans in the world.

Except she is on a mission from God.

I don’t know anything about that personally.

I say this because I too have had a bazillion hours of therapy for past abuse issues. I have felt the pressure from the crowd of people making me feel like my head space was being violated, a sense that if I could just explode a little, it would knock everyone in a complete radius around me far enough away to give me space. Mounting fury at my proximity to lot of strangers. I have had the voices too.

The therapy did not do much good for me either Pat, largely because like you, I was afraid to let go of my traumas and past. I was not ready to heal and let go. Like you I needed my pain and memories too. You needed them for compassion, I needed them to be safe.

However, I believe I was exposed to a philosophy that you were not. Between Buddhism and Taoism I understand that who and what I was was understandable and controllable. That you did not simply have to accept your limitations.

Buddhism and Taoism taught me that underneath the suffering was the real me. In Buddhism they go into great detail about all the different kinds of illusions and suffering that is part of the unenlightened human condition. From Taoism I realized that everything changes including our selves and it is a lack of change or an inability to allow or accept change that causes suffering.

You can gain and keep compassion for others by opening and keeping open your heart. You don’t need the flashbacks and memories as a goad. An open heart has compassion for others. Maybe some people do need their goads. I entertained the possibility of life without the presence of those goads. I imagined what I would be like without them. I realized I could reclaim a lot of emotional energy and cut some puppet strings by dissolving my attachment to my traumas. I am very glad I took the time to finish the healing process and to allow healing to occur. If I had not, I would still be scarred to this day.

As I said I don’t mean to denounce her accomplishments or bring her down in any way.

It just seems like she is more of an example of a highly functioning person with ongoing but non-disabling mental illness symptoms.

The only recovery I can compare to is mine.

I use to be suicidal. Now I am not

I use to be depressed. Now I am not

I use to be violently pathologically psychotic. Now I am not.

I use to self injure. Now I do not.

I use to have flashbacks. Now they are gone

I use to have noise, chaos, inner babble and command Voices. Now they are gone.

I use to have thought broadcasting delusion. Now I don’t

I use to hate every inch of my being. Now I love myself

I use to be hypomanic. Not anymore.

I have been deeply manic. Now I am not.

By no means am I perfect. I am not an exalted sage. I am no Lama or Enlightened One. I still make mistakes. I still make occasionally bad judgments. I can still get irritated and annoyed. I can still get angry.

You would not agree with my political or religious views (or lack of )

I don’t have a halo. Don’t put me on a pedestal because as soon as you find out I am all too human and still flawed, your disappointment at that discovery will be directly proportionate to the degree that you developed in inaccurate impression of where I am.

Meditation did not make me into a super being it really just made me human.

Meditation did rid me of my suffering. Meditation changed me. I was able to do something about it. About my inner demons, my traumas and so on.

So while Pat is indeed a highly intelligent, highly functioning, successful person, she is not entirely recovered.

Not in comparison to my recovery.

In psychiatry they consider ’symptom clusters’ and measure ‘deviancy’.

They say it is not a mental illness unless the symptom is persistently disabling and effecting quality of life. It’s a problem if you are looking for help for it.

When I say I am ‘cured’ of mental illness. I look at psychiatry’s own definition of it! According the symptom prevalences and deviation from the norm I am totally free from mental illness, completely recovered.

But apparently psychiatry itself does not recognize recovery from mental illness. Rather, psychiatry’s view of mental health recovery is that no cure is possible and that functioning can occur despite ongoing symptoms and Deegan’s own words are part of the current redefinition of recovery in mental health advocacy.

Recovery from mental illness redefined

Here are some other definitions of recovery dug up from various sources.

Another thing patients will tell you is that recovery exists, or can exist, within the context of illness. In other words, recovery doesn’t mean cure. It means living with the illness, managing it and getting better within certain limitations. “I define recovery as the development of new meaning and purpose as one grows beyond the catastrophe of mental illness,” says William Anthony, director of Boston University’s Center for Psychiatric Rehabilitation. “My feeling is you can have episodic symptoms and still believe and feel you’re recovering. It is a matter of moving beyond the debilitating phases of the illness.”

The idea that recovery doesn’t usually mean the removal of all symptoms is a novel and distinctly un-American way of looking at psychiatric illness, and illness in general. The fact remains, however, that most major psychiatric illnesses are episodic but chronic. Recovery involves both coming to terms with symptoms — one hopes in the context of their gradual moderation, but that’s not always the case — and finding a meaningful life in their midst.

Excerpt from an essay “Healing a troubled mind takes more than a Pill” by Charles Barber to the Washington Post

Well, no one told me about all that when I was sitting at the edge of the American River at four a.m. practicing meditation and ridding myself of my problems. After being told mental illness was a life sentence and after removing mental illness from my day to day existence. I find my mildly amused at the idea of accepting all my past instability as being ‘just me’. Sounds like a job half done to me. To moderate that statement, I have learned that not all people are capable of finishing the job. Some people are so married to their ailments that they have long since spent any time imagining life without them. They come up with all sorts of justifications in order to put a positive spin on something the have come to believe is beyond change or hope.

Kind of like, ” I may be a prisoner in this dungeon for the rest of my life but looking at the positive aspects, I have all the time in the world to make thoughtful, deeply moving gothic emo poetry about my dungeon that will resonate with other people that feel like I do.”

Seems others have similar definitions of recovery.

Recovery: Definitions and Components

Surgeon General on recovery

Your Dictionary

A very UK definition of recovery

recovery

Recovery really is the subjective experience of being well again. Not neccessarily an established state of normalcy, but free from internal or psychological suffering. While I can certainly accept partial recoveries. I just can’t wrap my head around the idea that if you are still suffering mental illness that you are recovered. If you having painful flashbacks, recurring depression and the like, then you still have issues whether you have a accolades, academic achievements or your own corporation.

The declaration: “I can’t change myself or my problems so I give up trying” is heretical at this blog.

I know, I know, Ms Deegan is accomplished, she is well liked,she is famous after a fashion, she has way more credibility and reputation than me. Who am I to judge and criticize? I am just some former BiPD/SZ chick writing down my notes for a book. So don’t listen to me, I have not *been around* as long as these others folks so what do I know about recovery eh?

Incidentally, I would like to make a prediction. If they ever start talking about this blog or reviewing my book when it comes out then I am going to get a certain crowd. The really brainwashed pro-psychiatry masses that compare Bipolar Disorder to Diabetes where, if you don’t take your meds you die.

These are the people that cry, ‘Abandon all hope ye who don’t take meds’. If you are Bipolar and not on meds you are cycling. I told someone recently that I had been off my meds since 1990 and the first thing out of her mouth is “It’s your right to not take meds, but don’t you want to be stable instead of up down and all over the place? She never even asked me how I was feeling! Just assumed, bipolar off meds, must by cycling!

The ‘my bipolar made me do it’ people. The Once bipolar, always bipolar people. Yes that crowd. They will try to use two avenues of attack to invalidate my message.

The first thing they will do is invalidate my Bipolar/Schizophrenia street cred. They will use variations of the No True Scotsman logical fallacy to determine that all those months spent in top notch psychiatric lock down under the care of my extensive treatment team of psychiatrists, psychologists and counselors resulted in a misdiagnoses. Because Bipolar and schizophrenia can not be cured ergo, you never had them in the fist place.

The other option to deconstruct me will be to micro analyze my message, my words, my speech and say “See how grandiose and manic she is? you can’t control mania! Its biological you poor deluded fool! See she is still manic because she has such grand plans and so not down to earth. They will say I have a schizophrenic face (yes I got that as a comment on a video the other day). They will tell me I am denial. They will say: “Just wait until it comes back! And it will Jane!!! Then what are you going to do?” They will say that because I talk about spiritual subjects or awareness of energy that I must be still delusional. They will grasp at straws and really reach for some other explanation other than accept that when it comes to Bipolar and Schizophrenia, you are really not as helpless as you have been trained to think you are.

Those that are not ready to hear my story are going to tune out the specifics and details and see what they want to see.

They will invalidate my message by saying I was never one of them.

They will validate my Dx and say I still have the disorder.

What they will fail to factor in is that having a schizophrenic face or talking like a hypomaniac is not a medicatable disease. It does not mean I need critical care. it does need mean I still have *the disease*. It does not mean I will need meds sooner or later. Because you have to have symptom clusters and marked deviance for prolonged time to have a psychiatric disorder! You have to be markedly impaired in life! You have to be a threat to yourself and or others and so on and so forth. You can not micro scrutinize my voice or facial expressions and determine that I am suffering from an impairing level of deviant symptoms!

I know this because I have already been through this on youtube. I’ve already been told I am must still be Bipolar ( an offhand validation) and they have told me, without access to my medical records, that I must have been misdiagnosed.

That is because my story and psychiatry’s prognosis of Bipolars and Schizophrenics causes cognitive dissonance. Rather than simply accept that I am no longer bat shit crazy. They will say, hmm, Well there is no cure for bipolar, ergo she must not be cured! or.. hmm there is no cure for bipolar ergo, you were never bipolar!

That is how the faceless masses of youtube that love being bipolar, that were saved by their meds, that identify themselves by their labels deal with the cognitive dissonance created by the existence of my story.

So when my book is finally on Amazon and purchasers begin to give me 1 star reviews, know in advance, that I know it’s coming, I know why and I fully expect it. I certainly hope I rattle some cages out there.

The Pat Deegan video and some of the info I turned up at The Hearing Voices Movement went along ways towards explaining some people’s attitudes about recovery.

If you can tune out the satanic voices and listen to the angelic ones then all the power to you. If you can survive and prosper despite illness, great.

For me, I felt I could change, I felt I had to change and I pursued a path of inner stillness that results in both change and inner peace. I had this grandiose, pie in the sky, manic idea that I might be able to free myself of my inner prison and past. So I that is what I am about. That is the level of recovery we talk about here. A cessation, a complete remission and remittance from disabling mental illness. In short, a cure.

Now, you have seen me present my testimony on being *cured*.

You’ve seen the establishment’s definition of recovery.

So I must ask.

What does mental health recovery mean to you?

What is your definition of recovery?

There is no wrong answer I guess.

Edits:

Marian over at Different Thoughts commented and left a link to a discussion of recovery!

It seems I am not alone in my thoughts and processes here.

How should recovery be defined?

There very much is an ongoing debate about the term recovery as it used mental health circles.

Ron Unger posts in favour of a more conservative definition of recovery. He posits that recovery is used to loosely to include people that arguably are not recovered at all. The looser boundaries that allow for this term, the less meaning it will have. If people who live in group homes medicated to the gills and in therapy four days a week, can we really say they are recovered? Are they even in recovery?

It pleases me to see other people arguing in favour of bringing some narrowing limits to what recovery and recovered really mean in the realm of mental health. There are different degrees of recovery.

Here is some excerpts from Ron’s post that say basically the same thing I am saying but somehow he pulls it off without sounding as officious and judgmental as I do.

> It would make sense to talk about degrees of recovery, and to talk about what part of recovery it makes sense to focus on first. Certainly the overall focus should be on quality of life and getting a meaningful life. If a person has a massive physical injury that impairs ability to walk, the most important thing is to become mobile again in the community in some form or another. But a medical system that told a person they were “fully recovered” after they were getting around town in a wheelchair, even while the possibility existed that the person would become able to walk again if given competent assistance, would rightfully be called deceitful and incompetent. I’m afraid that when we allow “full recovery” to be defined as attained while the person still is seen as requiring dangerous medications, we become accomplices in just such a deceit.
>
> In your “three circles” diagram, there is some implication of degrees of recovery. All the way over to the left is where people are seriously impaired, in the middle lesser impairment, on the right, not impaired. When people move from the left to the middle, they may still require some kind of treatment, but they have much less impairment. While that is a degree of recovery, it is not full recovery: people should be aware there are further degrees of recovery that are possible, or in your diagram, getting all the way over to the right.

Thank you Ron! and thank you Marian as always